Twelve years on from my heart attack, and the date that never leaves you
If you’ve had a heart attack, you’ll have a date that’s yours now. You don’t need to look it up. You feel it coming weeks before. Mine is the 19th of October. Twelve years ago that night, I went to bed and almost never woke up. Eleven years later, on the same date, I did the second most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. This is about both of those days, and what that date means for heart attack recovery for men over 50 like me.
Stronger after The Storm Podcast logo with red cracked heart and pulse line running through the center left to right on navy square
Watch on YouTube
You can watch the full episode, filmed among the autumn colours here in the Borders, on YouTube.
The First 19th of October
It happened on a Saturday night back in 2014.
I woke up to pitch darkness and a silence that was deafening. That’s how it is in the cottage out in the countryside at that time of year, especially at four o’clock in the morning.
Total silence. I was alone, with a pressure on my chest that had me thinking all sorts.
That was the most terrifying night of my life. Not knowing what the hell was going on, or what was going to happen. Not knowing if I’d ever see my family, or anyone else for that matter, again.
The Second 19th of October
Eleven years later, on the same date, I did the second most terrifying thing I’ve ever done.
I’d been working away quietly in a wee converted utility room for a couple of months. I had two or three podcast episodes out, but nobody I knew had heard them. And I knew that sooner or later, it had to go out to everybody.
So on Sunday the 19th of October, just after lunchtime, I sat with my finger over the button on Facebook, ready to post to everyone.
I’d already made my mind up. But I was terrified.
To be fair, most of them knew I’d had a heart attack years before, but it was probably well out of their minds by then. I’d run one of the busiest hotels in the town before it. I knew everybody. And in a small place, things can spread like wildfire. Or so I thought.
All I was thinking about was what people might think. Christ Dougie, what are you up to now?
Anyway, I pressed it. Then I went through to Ali and said, “Well, that’s it. I’ve put it out there. No going back now.”
The Word That Stuck
I waited for the reaction, because I knew there would be one. But it was nothing like I’d feared.
One of the first replies was from one of my daughters. “Good for you. That was really brave, Dad.”
Then my sister, I think. “Well done,” she said.
That word stuck with me. Brave.
Message after message said something similar. Good for you. And you know what? That day is still the most meaningful day of downloads I’ve had.
All because I stopped keeping it to myself. I wanted to find a way to help others, and I just put it out there.
“The date of your event will never leave you.
It’s ingrained in you, like a tattoo on your arm.”
Same on the Outside, Different on the Inside
The 19th of October never sneaks up on me. I’m ready for it weeks before.
And every year, when I go to bed that night, I think: twelve years ago tonight, I almost never woke up. And believe me, I’m so grateful that I did.
I might look the same on the outside. Clearly a few years older. But I’m so much different on the inside.
To the Man Lying Awake Tonight
If you’re a few weeks home from hospital and lying awake tonight, here’s what I’d like you to know. I say this because I’m just a little further down the road than you are.
The date of your event will never leave you. It’s ingrained in you, like a tattoo on your arm. You’ll feel it coming every year.
But with intention, you’ll get to that date one year on. And many more after that.
Don’t dwell on it. Try not to get anxious about it. When it comes round, take the date, think about it, celebrate it even, and appreciate what you’ve come through since the last one.
And for now, take it slowly. There’s absolutely no rush. Take as much time as it needs, one small step at a time. That’s the thinking behind my free 7-Day Mind Reset Plan.
Appreciate what your body’s been through, and focus on that first.
When the Date Comes Round
It’s common for an anniversary like this to stir things up, even years later. The emotional side of recovery is as real as the physical side. The NHS, the British Heart Foundation and the American Heart Association all recognise that, and they’re good places to look if the feelings around your date are weighing heavy.
Listen and Read
You can listen to the full episode in the player above, or watch it on YouTube. If this one landed with you, you might also find something in One Year Stronger, Face to Face With Your Own Mortality and Finally Listening to My Body.
Final Thought
The head noise might be loud right now. I don’t think it ever fully leaves you. But it does quieten a bit.
There’s a lot of us out there with a date like that. The night everything changed our lives.
If yours still sits heavy, the 7-Day Mind Reset Plan is a good place to start.